Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
