Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
