If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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