Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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