the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
