one word: firstdatebathroomanal
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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