He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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