I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
