he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Randomize
