using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
