U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
