I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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