i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
