my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
