I wish I could punch you in the face.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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