I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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