Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
