don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this just has baby written all over it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
