mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
