I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
