Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
