dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
