why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
