Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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