That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
