Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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