I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
