i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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