I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
