Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
