I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my sisters under your porch take her home
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
