someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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