I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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