Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize