I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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