so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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