I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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