I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
