I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
