the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
