Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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