Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
