I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
