feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
