her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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