Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
