I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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