The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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