Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
