Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I need moral support for this bender
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
