I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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