1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize