I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
