also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
