I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
