i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
