...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
