i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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