one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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