is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
