so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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