He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
