I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
