He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
