Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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