just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I want her autograph on my taint
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
