You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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