Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
