I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
