You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
