my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This is my gift to your gina
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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