that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Your cock deserves a montage
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
