I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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